


The Rule

by Enterprisingly



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-14
Updated: 2013-06-14
Packaged: 2017-12-14 00:36:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/830674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enterprisingly/pseuds/Enterprisingly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The origin of the rule that “all Starfleet personnel must obtain authorization from their CO as well as clearance from their medical officer before initiating an intimate relationship with an alien species” or Bones makes a new rule to save Jim from himself, and comes to regret it quite a lot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Rule

**Author's Note:**

> I have no excuse for this.
> 
> Inspired by this [ tumblr post](http://deepspacebutts.tumblr.com/post/52121284399) and a fair bit of goading from Hinekik. Beta'd by Sifl.
> 
> EDIT (6/14): All errors corrected and a mini epilogue was added as well. :)

Buried in the depths of the Enterprise’s medical records, there is a list of alien species that Jim is allowed to sleep with and a list of alien species that will cause him to go into anaphylactic shock. Bones hates those fucking lists so goddamn much.

Every time Jim beams down to a planet for a diplomatic mission- which is frequently, because diplomatic missions are a large part of the Captain’s job- Bones knows there’s a solid chance that it will turn into either a cultural incident or another brush with death (or at the very least an allergic reaction) for Jim. It’s not so much that the Captain sleeps with everything that moves, but Jim _is_ an incurable flirt and he doesn’t always think before getting up close and personal with members of a new species who respond positively to his flirting.

By the end of the second year in Space, the number of times Bones has had to stick Jim with one (or more) hyposprays, because Jim locked lips with someone he is chemically incompatible with, is frankly ridiculous.

Which is why Bones implements the Rule.

The Rule is simple, but brutally effective: Jim has to get Bones’ permission before he can so much as _think_ about fooling around with any non-human. The look of horror on Jim’s face, when Bones flexes his CMO powers to ensure that The Rule becomes law aboard the Enterprise, almost makes up for all the times he’s had to examine some truly unfortunate parts of his Captain in the name of medicine.

Unfortunately, because Jim Kirk is both a genius and a perpetual thorn in Bones’ side, he manages to twist the Rule to suit his depraved purposes after only a few weeks.

“Boooones!” Jim calls, drawing the name out, for the sake of aggravation, “I need your permission to bang the ambassador from Clarion 9. And her identical twin sister... and possibly their Legal Aid. I heard a rumor that they have-”

“Damnit, Jim, I don't want to know!” Bones can feel a migraine forming in the special place that only Jim seems to be capable of causing them.

“Look, I’m just trying to comply with _your_ rule here.” Jim says brightly, leaning against Bones’ desk. The Cheshire grin on his face stretches from ear to ear.

“I made that rule to keep you from dying due to your own lack of common sense, not because I wanted all the details of your sex life!” Bones gripes, but he's already pulling up his list of ‘Aliens That Will Not Kill Jim If He Touches Them (With Permission)’.

He’s half tempted to tell Jim that he can’t have sex with Clarions just to piss him off, but that would just be mean, so Bones settles for jabbing the Captain with an immunobooster hypo and shoving him out of Sickbay. “Go sleep with them. See if I care. Just don’t catch something that I’ll have to treat later and I swear to god, if you tell me _anything_ about this, I’m going to restrict your replicator rations to a medically modified diet for a month.”

Jim blows him a kiss and dashes off towards the transporter.

This becomes a pattern that goes on for the next year and half. Around once a month, Jim will come pester him for permission to participate in another cross-species liaison, leaving Bones to almost long for the days when he didn’t know the specifics of the Captain’s hookups unless he absolutely had to.

And then suddenly, Jim’s alien sexual escapades just stop and- as he hasn’t mentioned any new ship-board conquests- he is presumably not seeing any of the human crewmembers either. For all intents and purposes, it seems that Jim Kirk is completely celibate for the first time since Bones met him almost five years ago.

At first Bones is kind of worried, because in his experience, Jim needs sex the way most normal people need platonic physical contact, and he confronts Jim about it several times, only to be given flippant responses and obfuscation in return. The only thing that mitigates his anxiety about the Captain’s sudden abstinence is the fact that Jim isn’t falling apart. If anything, he looks happier than Bones has ever seen him.

It all clicks on the night that Bones wanders onto the port observation deck and sees Jim and Spock twisted around each other, with their lips practically glued together. When Jim catches sight of Bones, at last, he shoots away from Spock, as though the Vulcan has just caught fire. The look of guilt on Jim’s face is so intense that Bones _almost_ feels bad for him. Almost.

“I- ah… well, this is awkward.” Jim stammers out.

Bones has rendered Captain Chatterbox speechless. This, he thinks, should probably earn him a medal. Spock is looking between Bones and Jim with the expression of someone who has missed an important piece of information and is not used to being in that position.

Instead of saying anything, Bones just crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow.

“Oh hell. Spock, can you give us a second?” Jim asks, desperately.

Spock’s face twitches back to its usual Vulcan neutrality and he says, “Of course, Captain,” before striding out of the room.

Once the door of the observatory has hissed closed behind him, Bones says: “So.”

Jim sags and all the words that were missing earlier, come tumbling out of his mouth at once. “I meant to come get permission! I really did... But… we haven’t… you know… _done_ anything yet and I didn’t want to be presumptuous about it, because you know… this is _Spock_ and he’s… he’s different.” Jim, devoid of his usual swagger and bravado, looks up, pleading with Bones to understand and _fuck_ if Bones doesn’t actually feel a little tug on his seldom-used heartstrings.

“Well I’ll be damned...” Bones lets his arms fall to his sides."You’re serious about him, aren’t you?"

Jim looks away and rubs the back of his neck. “Like you wouldn’t believe.”

Bones sighs. He really should have known that something like this was bound to happen. Jim never does anything the easy way and Spock is  _anything_ but easy. It's a match made in heaven.

“Permission granted, to sleep with your first officer,” he says, magnanimously, “but if you tell me _anything_ about it, I will kill you myself, on the spot.”

“You’re the best, Bones!” Jim grins widely before claping Bones on the shoulder as he makes a beeline for the door, presumably to seek out Spock. (Finding him shouldn't be too hard; Bones is pretty sure that Spock has been lurking outside the doors the whole time, as he has been known to do. Sneaky Vulcan.)

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just remember that when your annual physical comes around.” He mutters to himself, because Jim is already gone.

When he gets back to Sickbay, Bones hunts down the lists of aliens that Jim can and cannot sleep with, dumps them into a folder that he stores on the “Miscellaneous Medical Records” drive, and then proceeds to actively forget that they exist. He highly doubts that he will need them again. 

In time the Rule is added to the official Starfleet regulations, with the slight modification that requires the permission of both the Commanding Officer and the Cheif Medical Officer before any memer of Starfleet may begin an intimate relationship with anyone outside their own race. Dr. Leonard McCoy is given a commendation for his ingenuity and inovative thinking. And he never does need to access those lists, ever again, a fact for which, he is etenally grateful.


End file.
